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CHRISTOPHER STEVENS on last night's TV

Celebrity Master Chef

Rating:

Shetland

Rating: ADRIAN THRILLS Queen Bey rediscovers her Destiny on the dance

Showing off his culinary skills on his grief program earlier this week, Reverend Richard Coles dropped vegetables on the floor.

Dirt improves the taste, he said cheerfully, before dusting and serving. “I won Celebrity MasterChef,” he added.

That confirmed everything I always suspected about the cooking show, which has been running since 2006. the other.

Unlike the amateur contestants on the main series, most of the Celebrity MasterChef (BBC1) lineup don't know one end of a blender from the other

Unlike the amateur contestants on the main series, most of the Celebrity MasterChef (BBC1) lineup don't know one end of a blender from the other

Unlike the amateur contestants on the main series, most of the Celebrity MasterChef (BBC1) lineup don’t know one end of a blender from the other

The celebrities who don aprons are supposed to spend all their free time in the kitchen. The truth is, some of them wouldn’t know how to open a Pret prepackaged sandwich. They should have their personal assistants to do it.

Nancy Dell’Olio’s pretense of being proficient collapsed as soon as host Gregg Wallace asked what staples she kept in her fridge. “Champagne,” she admitted.

Gregg and Nancy made a pre-rehearsed joke about her “favorite thing to make for dinner—a reservation at a restaurant!”

Another joke Gregg had previously prepared was served while talking to Paul Elliott, much loved as half of the Chuckle Brothers.

When he inspected Paul’s prescription, Gregg stated, “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea. . . to me!’

‘To you?’ Paul answered obediently. ‘To me! To you!’ they chorus, echoing the Chuckles slogan.

On Celebrity MasterChef, all jokes need to be smoothed out with a meat tenderizer to ensure not an ounce of spontaneity survives.

While strolling over to Love Island star Faye Winter, Gregg asked what she was cooking. When she uncertainly told him it was a chicken, he corrected her with a condescending smile: “It’s poo, boy.”

Even in these gender-fluid days, calling Faye “son” seemed a little familiar. Then I realized Gregg was trying French. The bird was a poussin.

Faye admitted she was afraid to be surrounded by so many familiar faces. Gregg grinned as Faye lowered her voice. ‘I grew up with fantasy. . . Danny,” she whispered, gesturing to McFly’s former boy band singer Danny Jones.

Mummy troubles of the night

Deposed Russian Tsar Peter (Nicholas Hoult) was imprisoned in his chambers with his mother’s preserved body in The Great (C4). In a one-sided row, he accidentally smashed into her skull. That’s not how you treat the head of the family.

Gregg’s grin turned into a jaw clamp. He didn’t expect the punishment to end like this.

Meanwhile, stand-up comedian Kae Kurd cooked rib-eye steak. Despite this, he wanted to let us know that he was vegan for eight months. Good boy. That’s what we expect from our celebs – a combination of stupidity and virtue signaling. He will go far.

DI Jimmy Perez will come a long way at the end of the new Shetland (BBC1) series, but how far he travels from Britain’s northernmost tip, we’ll have to wait and see. The character is hugely popular and we have to hope the Beeb doesn’t make the crushing mistake of killing him when actor Douglas Henshall leaves.

Jimmy’s best friend Duncan has already been sidelined, although actor Mark Bonnar delivered a show-stealing cameo in the first scene, as a broken man in prison. As he held a contraband Toffee Crisp, his shoulders slumped so much that I feared his arms would fall off.

DI Jimmy Perez will come a long way at the end of the new Shetland (BBC1) series, but how far he travels from Britain's northernmost tip, we'll have to wait and see.  The character is hugely popular and we have to hope the Beeb doesn't make the crushing mistake of killing him when actor Douglas Henshall leaves

DI Jimmy Perez will come a long way at the end of the new Shetland (BBC1) series, but how far he travels from Britain's northernmost tip, we'll have to wait and see.  The character is hugely popular and we have to hope the Beeb doesn't make the crushing mistake of killing him when actor Douglas Henshall leaves

DI Jimmy Perez will come a long way at the end of the new Shetland (BBC1) series, but how far he travels from Britain’s northernmost tip, we’ll have to wait and see. The character is hugely popular and we have to hope the Beeb doesn’t make the crushing mistake of killing him when actor Douglas Henshall leaves

Otherwise, Jimmy Perez’s latest case promises to be very similar to the others. There’s a touch of Norse mythology, pagan bonfires on the beach, drug crimes imported from the mainland, and the inevitable body in a suitcase.

The prime suspects are a couple who run a remote B&B and argue bitterly when they think no one is watching, like shopkeepers John and Mary in Father Ted.

Today, of course, Father Ted would be a noir murder series. I’d like to see Mrs. Doyle, the housekeeper, interrogate: ‘Do you admit you killed him? Oh, go on, go on, go on. . . ‘

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